Tuesday, 15 May 2012

  • I've been really bothered by my brother lately.
    I can't figure out what I can get him to do.
    I thought about him being an usher at AMC: you know, the guy who rips the tickets in half and hand out 3D glasses? I thought: WOW, that is actually something that dumb ass can do!!!

    Then I looked for those in the career section. There were none available.

    So, what is a sister to do?? I don't know how to help him anymore...other than do things FOR him. But I'm having trouble being motivated MYSELF.

    He's turning 22 this year. He doesn't even know how to SPELL OR PRONOUNCE the word "resume." I write it for him. He has never had a job. I don't see him ever holding a respectable job in the future. Not even be a door man or anything. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO????

    If he weren't my brother, I wouldn't give a shit about him. Come to think about it--I still kind of don't. But he's BLOOD and I can't get rid of him.

    Meanwhile, I need to get a husband.
  • It's not fair being a girl.
    I am being so pressured to find a bf/husband and get married.

    I want to get married....
    I NEED to get married....
    UGH.

    I am 24 yo. Sigh......I am such a loser.

    Got the keys for the new apt. I am so unhappy. I made an incredibly COSTLY mistake.

Friday, 11 May 2012

  • I.feel.insignificant.

    Browsing through FB, and see all these people graduating...or getting married....or having kids....or getting new jobs....or whatever.

    And I haven't really gone anywhere. :(

Wednesday, 02 May 2012

  • I'm so inexperienced. 24 years old, and can't drive a car!
    Never moved out of NYC.
    Too afraid to move out because
    (1) I can't drive, hence can't get around on my own,
    (2) my mom is still recovering from cancer; there's a five-year wait period, and if it comes back within 5 yrs, I don't want to be in the position of being away from the city,
    (3) my two little cousins are the love of my life I can't bear to not see them grow up and have me be strangers to them when they are older,
    (4) I need Dr. L and he's in NYC,
    (5) I need to live in a place bustling with PEOPLE. I need lights. I need excitement. I need a city-environment, and all cities are relatively expensive
    (6) I have a lot of shit to move

    So, I'm kinda stuck. The primary reason is because of my mom, though. She wants to see me as much as possible before she "dies." And also my cousins, and also Dr. L, and also 'cause I can't drive, and don't want to move. Ok, I just repeated everything I just said....

    My sleep schedule is so messed up. Went to bed at 3am yesterday ugh, Where does the time go?

    I have an agenda for myself today....maybe....

    (1) work on paper, FINISH PAPER and then never worry about it ever again
    (2) stats, stats, stats, stats, stats

    I've really driven now, which is good (and also not good b/c it's obsessive).....those A's are waiting for me......up for grabs and I'll be an idiot not to work my hardest for them.

    Still waiting on apt. This is torture.

    Took out another $2550 today.....GAHHHH.

    231p: Every time it's finals time, I always find myself crawling back onto xanga...dont know if that's a good or bad thing.
  • cw 102.5

    So my 30 min nap turned into a 3.5 hr nap. FAIL.
    I am so, so, so tired. Probably from being stressed.
    Current wt doesn't make me happy. I'd prefer to see the numbers "99.5" or "99" or "98." I don't know; I just like them better and they will make me feel better.

    I'm having a bunch of non-heartfelt birthday wishes on Facebook.
    Another year older.
    No one really cares about me.
    No one REALLY cares it's my birthday.
    I don't even get cards in the mail, or phone calls, or text messages, or gifts, or anything. Only from family, but with family, you're just "supposed to."

    Working on my 20 page paper now....I better get a freaking A, and I'm NOT kidding. If I don't get an A in this class, I WILL throw a hissy fit and I WILL fight for my grade. End of story. I am not settling for ANYTHING less than 4.0. No excuse, Q. No excuse.

    Apt situation: I can't believe I might actually be moving to E. Harlem.....I dread "coming home" at night ALREADY, LOL. I can just picture myself sprinting back....and yes, I sprint when I don't feel safe, haha.

    We have to put down $10,300 for this freaking apt. So, $5,150. This apt is getting to be more expensive than it's worth... I'm also going to lose half month's rent in my current apt. ARGH.

    Living in NYC is so expensive!

    I wish I were rich. Then, all of this money nonsense will no longer matter. I've learned over the years that MONEY TALKS. MONEY=POWER.

    KNOWLEDGE=POWER=MONEY=MORE POWER.

    Therefore, I need to be smart: Academically smart, street smart, business smart, people smart, everything-smart....all that I am not.

    The end. I'm rambling and not making sense.

    Oh--one more thing. I'm just having a hard time living with the fact that LIFE is all about work, work, work, work, work. And I don't enjoy my "work," and am starting to put less and less effort into building my "area of expertise" in the psychology field.

    I.just.don't.give.a.shit.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

  • have been MIA, super stressed, and super fat, as a result. ARGH.

    just submitted application today for a new apt....3BR, 2550, kinda hefty, but actually really cheap for the location (which isn't stellar, but borderline....ehh). My current apt is actually the same price (or, will be after the rent increase on June 1st). I'll be moving 8 blocks uptown......to east harlem. Don't want to be a racist or anything, but the fact of the matter is, is that, there's more crime, poor people, dangerous people there: period. So, I don't know...but the place is like 10x the size of the current apt.....but location, location, location. Yes, I'm totally rambling. The neighborhood's a little "ghetto" but I think I can live with it....maybe.... I don't know. I always feel like I'm going to die, or get shot around there. And people DO get shot there. HEH....

    super stressed out w/ school work. It's just been crazy. But not really. I think it's only crazy 'cause I procrastinate and I'm just not very bright when it comes to stats.

    so overwhelmed with stats.

    submitted draft to 25 pg paper on Fri. Have no heard back from prof. Beginning to wonder whether she saw it or not. Usu, she, at the very least, acknowledges that she got the email. ah wells.

    yeah, my entries have been super boring lately. Xanga (like facebook) is such a huge time sucker. I usu just come here now to ramble (which has always been the case), but now, even more so, with really no purpose of any sort.

    just wrote a 2 pg paper for my brother. he had to write about why fruits/veggies are impt for students. uhhhh......is this like 1st grade or something?????? I dont understand how this is COLLEGE LEVEL work? Ah wells. Took me less than 20 mins to bs the entire thing.....it would have them him, EASILY, 30 hrs, and it will STILL BE WORSE than mine.

    so sad. so sad. so sad.

    I hope i dont have autistic kids one day. autistic and homosexual kids.. YES, I JUST SAID THAT. UGH....I can't stand it.

    I am so bad. I am going to hell. Not all people are create equal. I have nothing "against" autistic or homosexuals....I just dont want to be RELATED TO ONE. And no, my brother's no gay. He's just autistic, which is infinitely WORSE..

    flawed. flawed. flawed.

    i still have no plans for this summer. and I call myself a grad student at an ivy league college??!!!?!?!?!?! SHAME ON ME.

    I am not motivated to find work. I am just stressed. period.

    can't wait until tuesday to be over.. that's when the stats proj, presentation, and paper is due. Then, the 25 pg-er is due on the 7th, and the stats final is on the 8th. starting tues, I better start cracking at it. NO MORE BEING LAID BACK AND LAZYYYY

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

  • cw 102.5 // ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

    Have been binging like crazy lately. Don't know what's wrong with me. Just stressed and discouraged. NOT hopeful about the future. And the fact that my ex is getting married is REALLY bothering me....I feel old. My grandma says it's time I find a BF [and get married]....yes, she's right. SUCKS TO BE A GIRL. It's not fair that males have more time.

    This one prof is also driving me crazy with her bullshit lectures and bullshit grading system. I got a 93 on my midterm and I am NOT HAPPY. I think I deserve at LEAST a 97. Totally not fair. Yeah, I'm crazy....

    I want to do so many things, but don't have the money/concentration to do it.

    Still need to take GRE.
    Want to learn how to swim.
    Want to learn to play guitar.
    Want to get a BF and get married.
    Want to have kids.
    Want to learn to drive.
    Want to exercise and be fit.
    Want a PT job that won't kill me.
    Want to be accepted into a PhD prog.....

    ....and I'm truly just being a lazy, stressed out bum right now and not DIRECTLY working toward any of the aforementioned.

    I am TOO BUSY being focused on getting STRAIGHT A's in all my bullshit classes that everything else is being neglected.

    I suck.

    Ive also been a terrible Xangan. I come here, post, and then leave. Please don't take offense if I'm not reading and responding to other journals. I'm just TOO STRESSED.....

    I also hate how this same prof has spelling errors in EVERY SINGLE EMAIL she has ever written to the class. Drives me absolutely INSANE.....

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

  • Just applied to two jobs.....not very confident about them, though. It's a stretch.....sigh, life is so hard.

    I should have majored in computer science..............
  • Errr.....I don't remember finding a job being THIS difficult??
    I'm looking for a FT summer position, with possibility for PT during the school year......WITH pay.....in my field.
    Is that too much to ask for? Apparently.

    Don't go into the psych field, folks, you will have a VERY, VERY difficult time finding work [that pays well].

    I might as well be a starving artist, or work at Barnes and Noble or something. I'll make the same amount, and will have better luck finding work, haha.

    PATHETIC.

    What a waste of money, this degree is.

    Where the heck am I supposed to look??? And why does this particular girl, K, always find these high-paying PT jobs, and I can't? What's her secret???

Sunday, 25 March 2012

  • I'm down to 3ish questions on the take home midterm. Why is this so difficult? I feel so exhausted, it's like...I can't type/stare at/DO THE MIDTERM anymore.

    I haven't submitted any job applications recently. SHAME ON ME. I will totally regret it. Totally. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have TURNED DOWN that interview at the summer camp....
    ....but, alas, no matter how "qualified" I am, every interviewer [for summer camp positions] have given me this disappointed look when I told them that I CAN'T SWIM.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.........I am limited......because I can't swim?????

    But then again, it's summer camp....you sorta....HAVE to know to be the "best" camp counselor that you can be....

    I suck much???

Thursday, 22 March 2012

  • cw 100.5

    Errrr..... so I'm currently on a very unhealthy buying spree. Spending wayyyy too much money....lol.....

    Spent $59 on a paintball trip
    $87 on a guitar/lessons, and I don't play.....
    $84 on a mp3 player......I currently don't own anything that plays music on-the-go, but STILL!!
    $20 on dinner yesterday. Unacceptable. This is how you know I'm upset, when I spend double-digits on dinner on a daily basis w/o even second thinking it.

    ....hmm, what else? I'm tempted to buy these boots.....

    Dr. L gave me prescription for zoloft yesterday 50mg. I haven't filled it yet. He basically didn't even ask me---well, he didn't, but I was still waffling btwn y/n meds.....he said he was doing it bc my mood has been really down and he has never seen me that "down" before or whatever...

    I've been sleeping 12+ hrs every night...and then taking a 3-4 hr/nap. That's 15+ hrs of sleep every day. I didn't think that was humanly possible, LOL. Yeah, I'm soooo not productive nowadays.

    QUIZ IN ONE HOUR.....ugh. This quiz every-thurs is killing me.
    Oh, and I really don't know how to answer the questions to the midterm. I'm thinking about just paying someone to do it LMAO.

    5pm: Omggggg, got 100% on stats midterm!! :) who needs zoloft? LOL.

    Got my body fat % tested at health fair at school....I have 11% fat according to wt, ht, age, sex, and some other stuff. He said I have like "no fat, all muscle"....awesome???
  • WHy is this midterm so hhhhhharddddd?????
    I obviously have not been doing the readings in class and paying attention in class......
    .......I don't know the answers. UGH. I have until Monday to answer 12 questions.
    Yeah, it sounds like a little, but it's actually a lot...
    I really want an "A," but I just feel so down in the dumps...feeling lazy.
    Stats quiz tomorrow, too....I'm dying to find out how I did on the midterm. It is KILLING ME that I dont know my grade....

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

  • Stats....and this take home midterm......is making me stressed out, making me sad, which makes me binge on chocolate. WHOO...
    Why am I so predictable? Why do I not "care" and keep eating ANYWAY???

Friday, 16 March 2012

  • If I just SIT DOWN and do things, it ends up (usually) being less difficult than I thought....

    presentation on Monday. ARGH.
    Did I mention that I am a lazy f*ck who HATESSSSSS school with a passion????

    I wish I never had to go back to school again.
    I just want to work and make lots of money to support my parents/brother/myself. PERIOD.

    I don't want to change the world. I want to change my FAMILY.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

  • Currently babysitting for a new family. One girl and one boy, 8 and 6. Love the girl, but the boy (who's mentally disabled) is a pain in the a$$.......he WILL beat his sister and not even know it.
    The only thing I can think about is how I'd hate to have a kid like that......I've already dealt with my brother, I don't want my own child to be autistic too....but its so likely since I also have 2 cousins who have Autism.....ugh.
    I feel really bad for the girl. She reminds me of myself: having to deal with my brothers bull shit.....
    The only good thing is that het family has money, and mine doesn't. So she will be better off--and her brother will be too......I'm almost jealous. While I have to support my parents, my brother AND myself, she will probably only have to care for herself, and husband/kids whatever.

Thursday, 08 March 2012

  • cw103

    so......MIDTERM IN TWO HOURS.
    I've gotten to the point where I can't study any more.
    Even though I definitely don't know everything, my brain is tired of looking at the same thing over and over again.
    I don't have the patience for it.
    Here's to 3 hrs and 20 mins of hell.
    There's 5 questions on the midterm (each with many parts).
    It's 25% of our grade, which means that for every question [in its entirety] that I get wrong, that's -5%.....
    .......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. LOL.

    Wt crept back up. Not surprising since I have been eating like a pig lately, LMAO. Pathetic, actually. I guess my thyroid isn't as "hyper" as I thought it would be HAHAHAHA. Actually, it's only borderline, though, so I'm def pushing it. I've been spending approx $20 on food per day. NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Tuesday, 06 March 2012

  • This stats class is so depressing. Having an extremely hard time with controlling my emotional eating....actually, Im hardly trying at all.

    I tried to go to the profs office hr, but saw that another girl (whom I hate), beat me to it. She spent the whole hr with him......I am so mad/jealous. I hope she fails, only bc I hate her so much. She's so annoying. Ugh. And yes, I sound like a child now.

    Just really in a sad/depressed mood. Not motivated to study. Feeling hopeless. Just tired/sleepy. Sitting in the lounge with sad feelings and the book closed. So discouraged. And I'm not even half way done. What makes me think I can do well on a midterm when I can't even do well on quizzes??

    Trying to find a paid internship OS hard....

    I don't want to work in retail or whatever and be a loser....I am such a disgrace.

    I hate my field and my classes. I just sit there and quietly think to myself about how everything the prof is saying is bullshit. How I don't give a flying fuck about kids who commit suicide or gay kids or racism or culture, etc. My mind is full of hate/despair/anger. Just don't care.

Monday, 05 March 2012

  • I am so sad. :(
    Went straight home from class to the store, bought 2 containers of hummus, flat bread, chicken, milk.....cheesecake and cupcake. Went home, ate the cheese cake and cupcake, ate the chicken, chips, thought about throwing up, but didn't. Crawled into bed feeling terribly upset. Intended to wake up in 1 hour, but ended up waking up after 3.
    Now I'm awake and more upset. I just don't understand this stats stuff.... midterm on Thurs......I'm so lazy and dumb.

Saturday, 03 March 2012

  • cw 101

    Currently borderline hyperthyroid --- again --- it's a never ending cycle. But I "celebrated" the news by eating a burger, LMAO, knowing that my metabolism will burn it off faster than the average person.......pathetic much?? Yeah, I have a problem.

    Still can't believe ex is getting married. I am crushed [that he found happiness before me and that I may NEVER find it].

    Stats midterm next Thurs. Why do I even care....???? It's just SCHOOL. It's so useless. It hasn't taught me a thing. All it has done was suck up all my money....

    There's so many rich people here.......But I guess that's what I get for living in NYC and going to an ivy league....full of rich, smart people whom I will NEVER surpass, or even come close to [on so many levels]. Great place to make me feel completely useless/worthless.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

  • Annnnnnd the job searching process begins again. Life is just a never ending cycle of hurdles.... annoying, bitter ones, at that!

    Stats quiz in 40 mins....

    919p: UGH. I am such an idiot. So, it's 2:04 before i realize that the quiz is at 2pm and NOT 2:30pm. (2:30pm is when I finish). So I run to the bathroom (gotta go!) then ran to the office and ended up on the wrong floor, LOL. When I got there, my coordinator was like, "you're a little late, Q." And all I could say was "I know" and blush like crazy. THEN, I find out that I forgot my eraser, and while walking to the exam rm, I drop my calculator, THEN in the middle of the quiz, my lead pencil broke and ran out of lead, THEN I struggled to differentiate the symbol for Standard Dev and Variance and ended up getting 50% of the problems wrong. UGHHHHHHHH. I couldn't remember whether sigma stood for Variance or SD. LIke....wtf. I learned that the first week of class!! I learned that......5 years ago, LMAO. SO pathetic.

    Finding summer position so hard. :( Summer position that PAYS WELL annnnnd I can add to my resume... UGH.
    If this summer camp takes me, I will be working like a dog for SO LITTLE money. And no, I will not enjoy it.

    I also need to take psych GRE and general GRE. Yes, yes, I know, I've been saying that for 3 yrs now. HA!! HA. HA. I suck.

Disclaimer: Everything the author writes here is thought, not action. If you know the author's true identity, please note that "Quencherita" is not she because they exist as two separate entities. Thank you for your understanding.

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